Posts Tagged ‘Parenting’

Revisiting Goals

Well hello. I obviously failed my challenge, as I did not post for 4 days. However, I decided that this was a GOOD thing. I took this challenge to get me to actually post, which I was… But you guys, I am obviously not interesting enough to post 7 days a week. I wrote 2 posts exclusively about how I was sick and exhausted, but would be back tomorrow. I am redefining this challenge to be weekdays in November, and will continue this in December (or until I figure out something that works better.)

Which leads me to this. No, I was not stoned when I wrote that list, but I was for sure delusional. I am on track to accomplish 1/3, maaaaaybe 1/2 of that list. That list is insane, but I do still want to do all those things. I have come to terms with my impending doom turning 30, and will just roll over anything not completed into next year, where I will still 100% be a real human who still feels joy.

I also have been thinking about the scope of this blog, and while navel gazing and posts about boy wizards are super fun, in general I feel passionate about fashion, fine crafting, eco friendly make up, and building fun family traditions with my kids. Of course we have holidays coming up, so that tradition part is gonna be SO EASY, but basically I am using this blog as an accountability buddy for actually doing things instead of talking about them.

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So, you know, please join me on my revised journey, where I do things and blog about them. Or something.

See you tomorrow!

Is It Ever “Too Late?”

So, when I first theorized this post, I was thinking of it being about me, as an individual turning 30. I have talked before (too often?) about coming out of a couple years of illness and small children, and I do often wonder if it is too late for me to ever carve out a life for me as “more than a mom.”

But then Halloween happened. Holiday season always puts me in a mind of “look at all the things we aren’t doing.” My children are very cheerful, grateful, unselfish children… and somehow that makes it worse? I feel like I should be doing so much more, so many fun things, and I keep falling short. They love it because they love everything! Will they still feel that way about their childhoods when they are my age?

I am going through all of the pictures for some projects going on (which includes a large “update on the kids” post tomorrow) and the feeling is compounded. Look at how small and squishy they were! Look at how much time has passed. I am stable with my health right now, but even still I just came off of 3 weeks being on/off sick because of a severe allergy turning into a respiratory/sinus infection (and this happens 2-3 times a year since we moved.)

It is always going to be something. On and off somethings. I get stronger, I do better, I move forward. I add more traditions, more snuggles, more books to the bedtime reading list. I add more things for me as my children spend more time away from me at school/with friends. I fight the desire to keep them close and homeschool, because I know that what is best for them is not me trying to make up for me (real or perceived) failings. Their early childhood was what is was. I am now leaving panicked and insecure chaos of babies and toddlers for the rushed and guilty chaos of school aged children.

In talking to friends, I am discovering that I am not a special snowflake in this regard. So many nights I wonder if I just lived a day my child will talk about in therapy 20 years from now. I hope that I have enough joy, enough love, enough humility to make up for them.

I don’t know how to reconcile these two desires, this wish to be “the best mom” and the “fulfilled individual” because I don’t even know what those things look like independent of each other. What does that even mean? Probably nothing. I do know it doesn’t do any good to look back in regret, and to look forward to anxiety.

I do my best to look back in joy at the good things we did, and to look forward in hope. I am learning to live in the present instead of just driving through, but also to not be angry at myself for doing that. I am practicing self forgiveness, and self love, but also self improvement and reflection. This isn’t about letting myself off the hook, it is about breaking cycles of shame and sadness. All of the pretty things and lovely experiences will not change a household of sorrow and regret.

When my girls look back, I know they will not remember me as perfect, but I want them to know they were cared for, loved, and cherished. I also want them to see a happy mother, because I know that what a model is what they will default to.

Self Care and Self Forgiveness

If this post had a subtitle, it would be “in which I half ass my blog post for today”

So yesterday I was sick, and grumpy, and I spent too much time typing up silly posts about boy wizards. And my kids were crazy, and my house was a disaster, and my laptop didn’t recognize my memory card still (now fixed, thanks to my lovely husband.)

So last night I spent a lot of time feeling bad about laying around and typing. Feeling bad about loosing my cool (uh, don’t draw floor murals in the living room, m’kay.) Feeling extra bad about not cooking dinner and letting my house be a disaster.

Today? What did I do as soon as I felt like a human? I went to lunch with a friend (GASP!)

But you know, talking for an hour about hopes, dreams, and parenting gave me energy. I came home and snuggled my baby, I picked up Fiona and we had a movie night. I started the process of recovering my home (the mural scrubbing will wait till tomorrow.)

I am not perfect, and I am do not always handle things the right way, but punishing myself will not make me better. Sometimes fajita enchiladas and a dear friend are what I need in order to take a deep breath and face the giant mess that is my house, as well as these crazy girls who I love so very much.

See you tomorrow.

Weekending

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Another picture heavy post! Our weekend was lovely and lazy (I am paying for that now with all the last minute sewing and crafting I am doing!) Made a signifigant dent in the sweater, went to the park, and read our new favorite book. I did sneak a picture of our finished eggs. I was not so thrilled with how they turned out (the perfectionist that I am) but Fiona discovered them, and has been placing her wood eggs inside and “cracking her eggs shells.” So, if the kids love them, then I love them. I will be taking them back for an egg hunt, but they will remain a park of Fiona’s play kitchen.

Little by Little, Day after Day

I have been neglecting this blog as I have been neglecting housework, which has been neglected because my poor daughter’s schedule (such as it is) has been ravaged by late night teething. My desperate attempts to alter her schedule (shifting her schedule little by little, waking her up when I want her to wake) have proved ineffective. I am instead going to attempt a rhythm that works for me, and hopefully either hers will meet mine, or they will meet somewhere in the middle. This new rhythm includes “mommy time” to write in my blog. They may not be the informative essays (with citations!) that I anticipated writing, but like our daily routine, eventually it will turn into something closer to what I would like.

Last night, in celebration of my more relaxed attitude, we took a spontaneous late afternoon walk. Fiona and I watched the moon rise, the sun set, and listened to the wind in the trees as we waited for daddy to come home from band practice. I look forward to more relaxed moments amid chaos.